Bullying and the full term affects

Dear bullies;
      This is for you. Yeah you, the one who is currently picking on the "fat" kid, the "smelly" kid, the kid who always comes to school in "rags". Do you know what you are doing to them? I'm not going to talk about the present, because we all know, by now you know that you are doing wrong. You know you are making these other kids sad, but do you really care? Nope. Here, right here, right now, we are going to talk about what you have just done to that other kid, teen, adult, whomever it is, for life.
      Think about your future, take a second, close your eyes, do you see a significant other? Do you see children? Yeah, I'm sure you do. Now lets skip forward. Lets break down. While you are happy with your wife, or husband. Whatever you will have. That person, that one person you picked on, may very well still be searching.
      They may have grown into themselves. They aren't stinky, they aren't fat, that aren't whatever the hell you chose to pick on them for. But to them, in their mind, they don't know this. They are guarded, they are worried to let people get in. They still can't live happily because of your taunts.
       And when they do find that someone, it does take them longer to open it. Takes them longer to love. And when they have kids? Well, what if its someone like me? Someone who is now petrified to be out in a large social setting. Someone who is scared to take their own kids to the park for fear that they will STILL get picked on. Because lets get this straight, by now, you are grown with kids of your own. And guess what, you likely have taught your kids to pick on people. So now, not only do we endure this, our children endure this. Not only that, but even as an adult you can't not pick on people, its in your blood right?
     So here are our children who never get to go out, because of their parents simple fear. They stay in the house, they are likely to wind up just like their parents. And you know what that means? The cycle continues.
      Dear Bully, do you know what you are doing to children of the future? Their children? Do you know the heartbreak? The names? You are right now causing a lifetime of pain. That is sad. You are causing recluses, you are causing shut off minds, shut off brains. You are causing kids to fail in school for the simple fact that they just do not want to be there. Maybe take a step back. Think to yourself. I wonder.. will my child ever be bullied? Just think of what you are doing to others. I'm quite sure if it was you, your tune would change a lot quicker.

Keeping a mommy mind sane.

What does a mommy do to keep themselves sane? Its very chaotic as of late. N is going through the terrible twos. Really going through them. D is going through the insane threes. If one isn't crying or doing something they really shouldn't be doing, the other is. Sometimes I cannot wait for these ages to be over but then i've been told that once they are over I will wish that I hadn't of been so impatient. So what do I do with myself. TV, clean, facebook, video games.. I need another outlet, something not technology associated. Something other than reading because right now my poor eyes can only take so much. Wonderful. In my 20s and I believe my eyesight is already deteriorating. So Im thinking crafts. Now, I've never been very crafty. Hell, I could barely paint my nails in middle school without spilling nailpolish all over my poor teachers freshly waxed floor (obviously I had some stuff going on that age, but thats for another date and time) So crafts. I must find something, somewhere.

As of late im trying to reconnect my past, just to have something. I've spoken to former teachers, spoken to family members i've never known. As an adult I believe im finally "growing up". These people have been a daily piece of my life that does indeed truly leave me sane, whether it be just typing a quick note to them, or having a long discussion about the past, present, or future. It has all left me feeling more adult like. Is that weird . Again, ive started a blog aiming in one direction and again, ive moved on to a completely different one... Hrm.. Good to know.

Happy birthday

My first post and today is my 20something birthday! Happy birthday to me! Im 26! I guess I should be happy but every year on my birthday it reminds me that its been almost another year that I lost my once most important person in my life. At the time, she was the most important. I would have given my life for this woman. She was truly amazing. My grandmother. I miss her so much. This year for my birthday all I really want is some true way to honor her, because I feel as if in the years after her death I dishonored her so much. I was just so torn, so lost. So unbelievably empty. I've never experienced anything of that magnitude before, and now, right now, I truly understand what went wrong. I didn't know how to handle. The way I did things was my way of surviving, only, I wasn't surviving, I was slowly burying myself. At 26 I've come to the revelation that after almost 12 years, I am finally coming to terms losing her. I'm finally finding the me I should have been, but im worried. It's to late, beyond to late. How do you honor a woman you dishonored so much in 12 years? How do you redeem your name to her? I've written more letters then I can count over the years, more poems, more things in my life than I can think of. But that inevitably doesn't do it. Do I try to be like her? Do I honor her by naming a child after her? Getting a tattoo? How do you fix something so wrong? I don't even know where to begin. So instead I sit here, I ramble. I try in my head to figure out the best way, the best thing I can think of to show her how truly sorry I am, for all the wrong i've done in the past 12 years. Try to figure out how to stop blaming her, for everything I've done wrong. Because, in the end, it wasn't her fault, it was mine. I didn't know how to cope. Still I'm trying, but now, im finally learning. You cannot hold onto the past, instead, all you can hold onto are the memories and the joy you get from sharing those memories with others.

I miss you gram, so very much. I just wish you were here to celebrate this birthday with me. Just one more, thats all I ask for is one more hug, one more kiss, one more card that has your name on it. Nothing will ever feel the same without you... It hasn't for so very long.