Happy birthday

My first post and today is my 20something birthday! Happy birthday to me! Im 26! I guess I should be happy but every year on my birthday it reminds me that its been almost another year that I lost my once most important person in my life. At the time, she was the most important. I would have given my life for this woman. She was truly amazing. My grandmother. I miss her so much. This year for my birthday all I really want is some true way to honor her, because I feel as if in the years after her death I dishonored her so much. I was just so torn, so lost. So unbelievably empty. I've never experienced anything of that magnitude before, and now, right now, I truly understand what went wrong. I didn't know how to handle. The way I did things was my way of surviving, only, I wasn't surviving, I was slowly burying myself. At 26 I've come to the revelation that after almost 12 years, I am finally coming to terms losing her. I'm finally finding the me I should have been, but im worried. It's to late, beyond to late. How do you honor a woman you dishonored so much in 12 years? How do you redeem your name to her? I've written more letters then I can count over the years, more poems, more things in my life than I can think of. But that inevitably doesn't do it. Do I try to be like her? Do I honor her by naming a child after her? Getting a tattoo? How do you fix something so wrong? I don't even know where to begin. So instead I sit here, I ramble. I try in my head to figure out the best way, the best thing I can think of to show her how truly sorry I am, for all the wrong i've done in the past 12 years. Try to figure out how to stop blaming her, for everything I've done wrong. Because, in the end, it wasn't her fault, it was mine. I didn't know how to cope. Still I'm trying, but now, im finally learning. You cannot hold onto the past, instead, all you can hold onto are the memories and the joy you get from sharing those memories with others.

I miss you gram, so very much. I just wish you were here to celebrate this birthday with me. Just one more, thats all I ask for is one more hug, one more kiss, one more card that has your name on it. Nothing will ever feel the same without you... It hasn't for so very long.